Okay, first of all before you read on we want to clear something up: We do not make fun of the people in Haiti or the horrible earthquake that destroyed so many people’s lifes. I watched the Hope for Haiti telethon and was overwhelmed by how many celebrities participated (was there anyone who did NOT participate?). This is just our way to try and put a few smiles back on some of your faces after you hopefully all cried your eyes out at the pictures we’ve all seen and donated at least a few dollars. So now that we got that cleared up, let’s start!
Comments from Zelda and me are in blue.
The Hope for Haiti Now telethon is on air. Somewhere in Venice Beach a lovely women is close to hang up the phone for the 214th time when she finally succeeds and the following conversation takes place:
Taylor: Hello, this is Taylor Lautner, actor from Summit’s franchise hitproduction The Twilight Saga – New Moon and the awesome person who managed to put on 32 pounds of pure abs in only six months. What can I do for you?
(Uhm, I know something you could do for me, ifyouknowwhatimean…)
Woman: Hi Taylor! I saw your last movie and I loved you in it. You rocked your jorts!
Taylor: Uhm, thank you. So what is your name?
Woman: Cath… uhm… Nikki! Right, my name is Nikki!
Taylor: Okay, Nikki. It’s really nice of you to participate in our Hope for Haiti Now telethon. So what do you want to donate?
Woman: What?
Taylor: We’re here to collect donations for the people in Haiti who lost so much because of that horrible earthquake. So how much do you want to donate to help these poor people?
(Doesn’t seem like “Nikki” is interested so much in the poor people in Haiti… so why did she call?)
Woman: Uhm, listen Taylor! I called 213 times within the last 53 minutes. I hung up on Julia Roberts, Steven Spielberg and Leonardo DiCaprio (hm, why did I hang up on him?) just to get you on the phone. If I had really wanted to simply donate a few dollars I could’ve done so about 53 minutes ago.
(You hung up on these three? Why? Oh, right, because Taylor is so much cooler than Julia, Steven and Leo combined…)
Taylor: So… do you wanna say that you don’t intend to donate anything for the poor suffering people in Haiti? Cause then you shouldn’t block this line. Other people try to call to give money, you know…
Woman: Okay, maybe we could make an arrangement. My daughter is a huge fan of Sharkboy and Lavagirl. (THUMPS UP for sharkboy, yeah!!) What about you show up on her birthday party next saturday and sing that wonderful dream song for her?
Taylor: This is a charity event where we collect money for the people in Haiti. I don’t really see how me showing up to your daughter’s party could help them…
Woman: Okay, okay, calm down Taytay. (Oh my god, did she just call him “Taytay”?) What if I say I’ll donate 15 000 $ right now if you promise to show up on saturday? (15 000 $ for you daughter’s birthday party? What is this? MTV’s My Super Sweet sixtee? Oh no, wait. Then it would have to be 15 million $, right? What Taylor doesn’t know: This woman doesn’t have a daughter… COUGAR ALARM!)
Taylor: Uhm, that’s very generous of you but I’m not sure if I’m allowed to make this kind of deal. I’m just here to take phone calls. You know, I’m only seventeen, so for every other kind of arrangement I gotta ask Big Daddy Lautner first. Unfortunately he spends the evening at the Olive Garden.
(Yeah, where else, but at the awesome, omnipresent Olive Garden…. brought to you by Taylor Lautner, its new fanboy. And yes, Taylor totally calls his own dad Big Daddy Lautner, that’s right!)
Woman: Okay, what if I said my daughter’s birthday was on february 12th? Would you be free to make a decision on your own then?
Taylor: Oh well, that’s one day after my 18th birthday… (Really?? Is it?? What a big coincidence) What would I have to do?
Woman: Uhm, just come over and entertain me… I mean my daughter and her friends. Wear that Sharkboy jumpsuit, sing that song, maybe do a little martial arts stuff… the usual.
Taylor: And if I say yes now, you’ll immediately donate 15 000 $ for the people in Haiti?
(The “Taylor Lautner Show”: Amazing martial arts like you’ve never seen them before, performed by sharkboy, the hero of your youth….. Get the awesome special offer for only 15 000 $ NOW!!)
Woman: Okay, coming to think of it, I could donate something a lot more precious than 15 000 $. You know, I got that tape from an audition those two young people did on my bed some time ago.
Taylor: What? Which tape are you talking about? Is this any kind of sex-tape? I’m gonna hang up now!
Woman: No! Wait! It’s not a sex-tape. Just a sizzling audition involving a few super hot kisses on my magical bed.
Taylor: Okay I’m really sorry for your (non-existant made up) daughter and stuff but… Wait! Cathy Hardwicke? Is that you?
Woman: What? No! I said my name was Nikki! Didn’t you listen? Nikki! (Yeah, blame it all on your former BFF Nikki Reed, why not?)
Taylor: Don’t try to fool me! Are you trying to sell the Robsten audition tapte you once promised MTV instead of donating for the poor people in Haiti?
Woman: I don’t have a Robsten tape. And I would never give it away. Plus I didn’t promise MTV to give them the tape. And as I said I don’t even have a tape. The tape is secret. And how dare you question my identity? I’m Nikki. And no one else. Period.
Hello Chris Hansen, I need your help...
Taylor: Okay, whoever you are Cathy Hardi, I got Chris Hansen on speed dial. And because we record every call tonight I got proof that you tried to lure me into your house. And I know that you’re fully aware that I’m seventeen. That’s only legal in Georgia. So are you in Georgia right now?
(Uhm Taylor, I am, you know, and it’s a REALLY nice place, you should check it out, sometime. I could show you around and stuff… just saying….)
Woman: Uhm, no. I’m on my magic bed (Ah, the famous bed where the magic happened…) in Venice Beach. But I don’t know what that has to do with this call and… Who’s that guy peering through my window right now? Oh no you haven’t! Did you just call Chris Hansen and send him over to me? Are you serious? I’m the woman who casted you in the first place! Without me you would never have had the chance to prove the potential of your abs! That’s not fair! Chris Weitz get’s all the praise and I’m stuck with Solomon Trimble, the boy who almost was Quil or Embry or whoever and I picked Rob and now this girl with the mullet…
We leave this scene while C.Hardi, or let’s call her Cathy H. freaks out on the phone for ten minutes even after Taylor hung up to get some REAL donators on the phone. The last thing we see before all fades to black is the door of the magical bedroom bursting as Chris Hansen enters the room.
That’s it! The longest How to Dazzle post ever! I promised yesterday to post something spectacular today and I think I did (with a little help from Zelda, of course)!
a
Off to check if Cathy Hardi has been arrested
Saveyoursoul
a
Satisfied with this super spectacular post? Do you have any insane fantasies about Taylor singing that Sharkboy song just like Cathy? What else could have happened? Who else could have called Taylor? Have you watched the telethon? Tell us! Leave a comment or e-mail us!
(image: Twifans.com)
No comments:
Post a Comment