I imagine that the loose narrative MTV has cobble together and entitled “The City” is brought to us thanks to a team of monkeys they have locked in an editing room somewhere. Despite its almost total simian production, the result is not as mad cap as you might expect, but oy, the non-sequiturs. Apparently it takes more than opposable thumbs to splice together a compelling show with an actual story arc. Forget building to a climax, each episode is lucky if it can lurch its way through a full 30 minutes. Instead of floating along on the effervescent joie de vivre the premise of single 20somethings in the greatest city in the world evokes, this reality show clearly labors under a vise grip of writers and producers. You can just imagine the number of takes that get ruined when producers inadvertently lean into frame to micromanage the “action.” The result is hardly the lighthearted romp it is billed to be. I’ve seen marionettes that were more carefree and spontaneous.
Case in point, this week’s episode starts with a random discussion between series star Whitney and roommate Roxy about a squirrel that’s loose in their apartment. Huh? It’s like a two minute scene that relates not at all to the rest of the episode, though the long lingering reaction shots for which this franchise hangs its hat give one plenty of time to contemplate the little rodent—his hopes, his dreams, his next of kin. Though there was talk of an exterminator, I wouldn’t worry too much about the little guy. He’s obviously more intelligent than either of them. I mean, he was smart enough not to allow MTV to use his likeness on camera after all.
But Mr. Squirrel was not the only lower life form to stumble into this week’s melodrama. It seems Whit is still looking for love and some sheep-in-wolves-clothing has decided to set her up with Patrick. He’s a complete tool who makes his living as a perfume squirt boy or something but since he practices his craft in Bergdorf Goodman, he naturally has an air of superiority usually reserved for heirs of the royal family or Fox News pundits. Within moments of his presence on screen, you can see Whitney long for the comparative wit and wisdom of that darned squirrel. And just when you think the date will never end, it does when Pat suggests, they “join forces” on the bill. Dude, “join forces”? Seriously? Dutch on a first date? Hot on the heels of a discussion about Louis Vuitton and his super important job as a Bergdorf’s tie jockey no less? Guy, if you don’t like girls, just say so. No need to run off every female unfortunate enough to break bread with you by being a total douche. To her credit, Whit seems amused by this turn of events. Could it be that the producers held back this plot twist to elicit an actual real response?
Meanwhile at Elle, mutual desperation have drawn creative director Joe Zee and “accessories editor” Olivia Palermo together in what can only be described as an unholy union. Long story short, this pair of reality show flotsam and jetsam are planning a shoot for which they sycophantically agree Olivia would be the perfect stylist. Yawn. Their mutual admiration society is all very boring and cloying except that, of course, their storyline intertwines with Erin’s. Despite the storm cloud that perpetually looms over her head, I actually like Elle’s public relations gal Friday and her lopsided grimace probably because she’s my emotional doppelganger. Her huffy indignation at having to work with Olivia reflects my own ready-to-boil-over-at-any-moment state-of-mind at work. Every time Olivia effs up and Joe takes her side instead of Erin’s, I just want to yell “Girl, you don’t need him” all Ricky Lake style. Then I’d add a “you go girl” just for good measure. But even given the affection I feel for her, she is becoming a bit one-note. Apparently there’s lingering resentment about the support her malnourished co-workers failed to lavish on her when she was just a newbie. Tonight’s episode featured at least the third time in which she has stated verbatim: “No one held my hand, Joe,” when explaining why she won’t coddle Olivia—as though the fact that Ms. P is evil and must be destroyed isn’t reason enough. But she does get a modicum of satisfaction in a lovely scene at the end when the Elle entourage dines with people from the shoot. Here, Olivia prattles on about her deep abiding love for all things hip hop only to later confess she’s never heard of a little group called A Tribe Called Quest. Erin’s combination “Oh, my god” and eye roll cement her place in my heart.
In the C plot, Roxy too goes on a date. But it’s not her date; it’s Audrina’s date from “The Hills” circa 2007. Apparently, MTV’s approach to “The City” is: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Enter the latter-day Justin Bobby, who this show calls Zac. Zac was a perfectly decent guy on Roxy’s first encounter with him but he morphed into JB by their second date right down to his pretentious knit cap though he doesn’t quite have the swagger and (mistake!) it looks like he bathes. This time he shows up for their date with six girls in tow, all the while throwing ‘tude like, what’s the big deal. And that’s when we were treated to a shot-by-shot reenactment of Kiss-gate. Remember when Audrina and the girls were out at a dimly lit lounge-y club and JB showed up and sat with a gaggle of chicks. And then Lauren professed to having seen him kiss one of them and the rest of A’s posse was all “Did he just kiss her?” for like 20 minutes? Ah, good times. Well, this doesn’t rise to that level of drama but it’s the same idea. I tell ya, those monkeys are not too proud to recycle ideas.
And finally, the episode gets it’s title when, back in the office, my girl crush, Kelly Cutrone—sick of hearing about Roxy and Whitney’s boy trouble—tells Whit to shut her trap and focus on work and her clothing line. Please Whit, focus! The marketplace is in desperate need of another half-baked, under-designed, reality star vanity project.
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